For Those Who (Also) Have No Idea What They’re Doing

About two months ago, I quit my full-time job.

“Girl, what? Why did you do that?”

Well, among other things, I wanted to broaden my experience in my field so that I could learn more about it.

(Also, I’m in my 20s with no dependents. I live with my parents. I have a bunch of money saved up. I was privileged in that there was pretty much zero risk.)

So, as you do, I came up with a plan for what I was going to do.

I said, “This is what I’m going to do. I’m going to start a little writing business. I’m going to set these goals. I’m going to market my skills. It’s going to be great.”

I was so sure I had it all figured out. Which is hilarious in hindsight, actually.

The irony here is that I got what I wanted. The more I explored my field, the more I learnt about possibilities. The more I learnt about the possibilities, the more I became interested in things that I hadn’t known about before.

Unfortunately, this meant the more I wasn’t sure if what I wanted to do was what I wanted to do anymore.

And that sent me into a small crisis because I had encountered my greatest fear: uncertainty.

Generally speaking, I try not to delude myself by believing that I know everything. I don’t know a single thing in the grand scheme and I’m not afraid to admit that.

But I like to feel like I know everything. I like to feel like I understand what I’m doing. I like to feel like I’m in control of my life and circumstances.

That feeling is an illusion but, without it, I feel uncomfortable and a little aimless.

I don’t like uncertainty because it breaks the illusion.

Typically, my response to it is the emotional equivalent of covering my ears and yelling, “La-la-la-la! I can’t hear you! Nothing is wrong! Everything is fine!”

This time around, I’m trying to conquer my fear.

I’m learning to embrace ambiguity. I’m learning how to let the multitude of possibilities excite me instead of cripple me. I’m learning to not jump to conclusions and to sit and think more. I’m learning to savour the journey instead of obsessing over a perceived destination.

Is it easy? Not always, but the trying is what counts.

So, in the spirit of that, I am happy to report that I have no idea what I’m doing! I don’t know what’s going on right now and I have no idea what the future holds!

And that’s okay!

Because, while uncertainty reminds me that I’m not the one in the driver’s seat, it gives me the opportunity to remember who is. And then, I make myself comfortable in the backseat because I know Him. I trust Him too.

Until next time,

Siobhan K.